


Not the Right Time

by fvgbray



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Addiction, Euphoria, F/F, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Zendaya - Freeform, drug mention, f/f - Freeform, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 10:53:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19828660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fvgbray/pseuds/fvgbray
Summary: After Jules breaks things off with Rue, she gets jealous seeing her with Lexi.





	Not the Right Time

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I’ve been loving Euphoria a whole lot and just had to get this out of my system.
> 
> *Disclaimer* I tried to get into Jules’ mind as best I could based on Hunter’s interviews and articles with Directors/Sam. If I get anything wrong or offend, I truly apologize and am open to criticism.
> 
> That said, a lot of this fic is drawn from my own experiences, so please be gentle.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> PS. Follow me @bglteuphoria for emo breakdowns and shitposts about the show.

You’re sitting at a wooden table in the courtyard, reading one of your favorite manga paperbacks when you hear it. 

That laugh you’re so familiar with rings through your ears like you’re accelerating on an aircraft, just waiting for the pop. You haven’t spoken to Rue, not really, in what seems like weeks. You’ll text here and there, but nothing has been the same since you ended things with her.

Since you broke her heart and tried to pick up the pieces as her  _ friend _ .

Rue’s laughing and you’re glad that she’s found a moment of happiness, well, until you see it. Her fingers intertwined with Lexi’s.

You put  _ Tale of the Waning Moon _ down on the table and watch them, as if they were in slow motion.

Their fingers find their way to one another's as Lexi throws her head back in laughter. You can’t understand what they’re saying, but you can’t help but feel a pang of  _ something _ inside your chest with how happy Rue seems. How healthy she looks. How she’s practically fucking  _ glowing _ .

Lexi and Rue plop down in your spot on the grass and you suddenly recognize the feeling in your gut for what it is.

_ Jealousy _ .

Rue places her hand on Lexi’s cheek before she kisses her softly. You know they don’t see you, but you can’t help but wonder if this is something your former best friend wants. 

For you to be hurting just like she was over the past few weeks.

But you push that idea from your mind when Rue looks at Lexi the way she used to look at you. 

You touch your bottom lip where your tattoo still stings and gather your belongings, stuffing them into your backpack haphazardly.

You can’t do this right now.

//

“Cassie told me she’s been clean for a month,” Kat informs you in front of the lockers. She’s swapping out her History textbook for her Calculus one and you can’t help but thank the universe that you opted for a Creative Writing elective instead of something boring.

You almost forget to nod at the information Kat threw your way when her attention is back on you once she slams her locker shut and leans against it.

“That’s a good thing, right? Rue’s like, your best friend.”

You sigh and lean against the locker. “I’m not so sure anymore.”

“I mean, she  _ has _ been hanging out with Lexi a lot,” Kat smiles gently, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Did something happen between you two?”

“No,” you answer a little too quickly with a bit too harsh of a bite. “We just got busy, that’s all.”

Kat hugs her book to her chest and moves to walk away, but ultimately waits for you to join her. 

You make a mental note to hit her up more often now that you have a best friend void that needs filling.

“You know you can talk to me, right? I mean, you know about my online sexcapades.”

You pull the straps of your pink backpack a little too tightly before you shoot off, “I have to get to study hall,” and scurry away.

//

You used to spend your study hall period messaging cis guys twice your age, and now you pass the time reading or doodling fan art in your notebook. But most of the time you catch yourself thinking about a certain brunette involuntarily. 

You wonder when texting those guys stopped being as important to you. You also wonder when Rue became the only thing you thought about.

You feel more than hear a body move towards the chair next to you and your heart stops.

“This seat taken?” Lexi is timid, but smiles subtly with her chin set firmly. She almost looks happy to see you.

You gesture for her to sit and tug your cotton candy blue skirt down your legs a bit when she does. Lexi doesn’t say anything and opens a textbook and her notebook quietly, turning the pages with ease.

You imagine she’s like this in every aspect of her life: quietly observing, quietly moving throughout your friend group. If you could even call it that.

Trying to exist around her sister’s not-so-quiet mark on the people in your life can’t be easy. You almost envy her for that, her ability to not be seen.

“I’m not angry, you know,” you finally say to Lexi, her face looking up from the page, pencil down. “About you and Rue. I’m not angry.”

Lexi nods and ponders her word choices for a moment. “I didn’t think you were. But judging by the way you were staring in the courtyard, I’d say you’re still very much in love with her.”

Your breath catches in your throat, because you  _ can’t  _ deal with this right now. You move to leave, but Lexi’s hand softly catches yours. Not in a way you’re used to; rough and urgent. You know she’d let you leave if you wanted to.

“I’d very much like to be your friend, Jules. If you’ll have me,” Lexi smiles up at you. 

Despite everything that’s happened with Rue, you find yourself saying, “I think I’d like that too.”

//

Dinner with your dad lacks conversation again and you can’t help but feel guilty. You know he’s trying his best to keep up with your life while giving you the space you need in the process.

The sound of his fork scraping his dish is too loud for your busy brain and you want to throw  _ your _ plate against the wall. Everything is in hyper-focus and you want it all to stop.

“I’m in love with Rue,” you blurt out. You expect some earth shattering shift in your father’s demeanour, but he stares back at you confused.

“Is that a good thing?” He puts his fork down and you sigh in relief.

“I don’t know,” you admit and you blink rapidly, your eyes suddenly becoming too heavy to sit in your skull. “I just didn’t think...I don’t know how to…”

Your dad nods, and you  _ want  _ him to get it, but he probably doesn’t. It’s such a difficult thing for anyone to grasp, let alone a cis person.

“I’ve been doing some light reading,” your dad smiles, moving to the chair adjacent you. “I imagine figuring out your sexuality is hard, especially being through what you’ve been through in your short lifetime, Jules.”

He places a gentle hand on your shoulder and squeezes.

“It’s okay to take some time to figure out where you stand in the world. And where you stand with Rue. But being patient with yourself is so important in times like these.”

You lean into the crook of his neck and whisper, “What if this changes everything?”

Your dad places his hand on your back, and rubs up and down. It’s comforting, something he used to do when you were scared of the dark as a kid. “It might. But sometimes change is wonderful, Jules. Like the day you told me I had a daughter.”

Tears roll down your cheeks and you try wiping them as quickly as you can before shifting back up. You stare at his honest demeanor and before you know it, you’re full on sobbing into his chest.

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

//

You spend the rest of the night on forums and skimming through Tumblr tags. 

You not only engage and read about other trans women who are attracted to women, but wind up researching addiction and how to cope with being in a relationship with an addict.

You’re not used to dedicating so much of your time to another person, but maybe that’s what makes all of this work you’re doing so important. But you’re also doing this for you. 

You heed your dad’s advice by being patient, but your drive to know more about yourself is what gives you solace in a way.

It’s helpful to know that PoseFan1998 is having a similar experience to you, in that she felt more herself when she was with men, but a woman she met at university opened up this complete other part of her. A part she’d shut out for one reason, but the experience opened up another.

You do this every night for two weeks. You text Kat here and there, and you even go riding with Lexi once after school while Rue was busy with NA. 

You feel guilty for pushing Rue away, but reason with yourself that you need to figure things out before you can let her back in. Regardless, you’re proud of her for beginning to heal.

You come to the conclusion that Rue needed to want to get clean for herself, but you know that  _ she  _ needs to tell you that. 

You can’t help but worry that Lexi has replaced the void that you used to fill, and that’s something you feel a bit more equipped to handle now.

//

You bike ride with Lexi through the fields after she gets out Chess Club.

“But what school in 2019 even has a  _ Chess Club _ ?” you laugh, throwing the comment over your shoulder.

“It keeps me out of the house, okay,” she throws at your back.

You and Lexi have become decent friends, despite your unspoken commonality with Rue. You don’t discuss her much, but you find yourself wanting to address the elephant in the room when you roll to a stop.

“How’s Rue doing?”

Lexi looks at you momentarily after parking her bike beside you, making you a bit self conscious for a moment. It’s as if she’s staring into your soul, but maybe she’s just assessing whether or not you’re ready to hear her answer.

But you are, you decide.

“She’s really good, Jules,” Lexi grins, although you suspect it’s just the harsh sunlight beating down on her face. A crooked half smile. “I think it has a lot to do with that new friend she made.”

You wince, because you don’t know what friend Lexi is referring to.

“Ali has been a great influence on her.”

Your fear bubbles into your throat and out of your mouth. “Do you think has something to do with you too?”

“What, Rue’s sobriety?” You nod anxiously. “No, I don’t. Part of me believes she’s doing it to prove you wrong.

You try not to get angry, but you can’t help what comes out next.

“Why is Rue’s sobriety my responsibility, Lexi? I never asked for that.”

“Didn’t you?”

You think about her words,  _ really _ think about them and you immediately regret what you told Rue that one night after her fentanyl scare.

_ I’ve been through like, enough traumatic shit in my life. I don’t want to be around you if you don’t stop using drugs. _

The guilt is strong enough to eat you alive.

“It’s not your responsibility, nor is it mine to drive Rue to be sober,” Lexi sighs. “But Rue’s habits aren’t something she can change overnight. I believe she wants to change, she just doesn’t know how yet. But she’s trying.”

You slowly realize that Rue’s addiction runs deeper than you initially thought. The two of you talked about a lot of things, but you never spoke about why Rue started using in the first place. You had assumed she’d started doing drugs for fun, the same reason you do Molly every once in a while. 

_ But it’s different, isn’t it? _

You nod slowly.

“You didn’t ask to support Rue through this, but I’ve known her since we were kids. I’ve decided to help her, because I can handle it,” Lexi smirks sadly. “But deep down, no matter how much I love Rue, I know she’s  _ in _ love with you.”

This sounds ridiculously unfair in your mind. Why should Lexi have to take this on if you weren’t willing to?

“But this isn’t your job, Lexi. Rue shouldn’t have to depend on you like…”

“She’s not. We’re friends, mostly. With some added benefits, yes, which I don’t exactly mind…” You can’t help but giggle, because Lexi’s got it bad. Even if it’s for the girl you’d do anything to be with. “But at the end of the day, I’m there for her as her friend. And that’s more important to me than anything else in the world. Except maybe chess.”

Her big toothy grin evokes a similar one in you, and you pull her into a large hug.

“You’re a saint, you know that?” you whisper into her ear. “Rue is so lucky to have you.”

“I just want to help,” Lexi whispers, pulling apart from you. “In being Rue’s confidante, I think it’s helped me realize something.”

“What’s that?”

“I think I want to be a Psychologist,” Lexi says, pushing her hair out of her face. “I know it sounds silly, but I think I know how to help people help themselves.”

You smile so wide, just grateful that you get to know someone with such a big heart. “It’s not silly. I think you’d be great at it, Lex.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely,” you supplement, throwing a leg over your bike seat. You bite your lip and ask while gripping the handlebars, “Are you afraid that one small fuck up will send Rue over the edge?”

“Sometimes,” Lexi answers honestly. “But after what happened between you and Rue, she doesn’t want anyone to feel how you felt again.”

You nod and try your best to process everything, but mostly you’re glad that you can talk to someone who finally gets it. The experience of loving an addict, but not wanting to be the reason they continue down that dark path.

You make a mental note to text Kat later. She’s been somewhat of a confidante to you since you’ve decided to open yourself up more.

“Now, about those cheese fries you promised.”

“Oh, thank God. I’m fucking starving,” you huff.

She laughs and takes off before you do.

//

You text Rue at 1AM on a Friday night. 

**_Jules (1:06am):_ ** _ Hey _

**_Rue (1:14am):_ ** _ hey. _

**_Jules (1:15):_ ** _ Can i come over? _

**_Rue (1:17am):_ ** _ sure _

**_Jules (1:18am):_ ** _ Cool. i’m outside your window _

You wait for a sleepy Rue to pull her window open but instead, she climbs on top of her night stand and joins you outside. You help her find her footing but she doesn’t wind up needing much help after all.

When she’s composed, you notice a lack of bags under her eyes.

“Lexi’s asleep,” Rue comments at your confused look. You’re not surprised, but it still stings a bit, even if the two of you are barely friends now.

“You look good, Rue,” you can’t help but mention, and you physically see Rue tense up. “I mean, you look well.”

_ Don’t push her away. _

She pulls a pack of cigarettes out of her hoodie and lights one up. You watch the tip glow as she takes a pull and blows the smoke in the opposite direction, away from you.

“I needed a different vice, you know?” she explains, backing against the side of the house and sliding down to the ground. You stay standing because you don’t want to dirty your skirt. “Why are you here, Jules?”

It’s blunt, but warranted, you suppose. You’ve hardly spoken in weeks, instead, tip toeing around one another. 

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” you tell her, not able to meet her gaze below you. “About us.”

“I thought you didn’t want me.”

“That isn’t true and you know it,” you blurt quickly. “You know why I ended things. But there’s some stuff you don’t know.”

“I’m all ears,” Rue mumbles, taking a long drag.

“I’ve been sleeping with men for years. But the one thing I haven’t done was get close to any of them, at least not until Tyler,” you begin, and Rue breaks eye contact. The sense of urgency gets to you so you press on. “And as it turns out, Tyler was Nate the whole time.”

Rue’s eyes shoot to yours and her mouth gapes open, her cigarette long forgotten about.

“Do you want me to beat him up? Because I’ll beat him up,” Rue tells you animatedly, nearly tripping on her flip flops as she pushes herself up. 

“That’s not necessary Rue, but thank you,” you chuckle at her defensiveness. If you’re honest, the amount of protectiveness she feels for you makes you love her more. “It’s just—the whole experience made a  _ lot _ of stuff come up that I wasn’t ready to deal with.”

You decide to leave some things out. You don’t want to overwhelm Rue when she’s working herself out too. You hope that you’ll have the opportunity to discuss this more down the line.

“That’s why you didn’t talk to me about it.”

You nod. “I just didn’t want to lie to you about it anymore. And that plus the other stuff I was dealing with at the time...it was too much.”

Rue takes a step closer to you and your heart practically beats out of your chest. 

“Are you okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“That Tyler ‘didn’t look like his picture,’” she echoes the words you’d said to her that night.

“I am,” you say with no hesitation whatsoever. “None of it was real. What I feel for you  _ is _ .

You cup Rue’s cheek with your right hand and you want to kiss her, you do. But you remember that Lexi is asleep a few feet away.

Rue grabs the hand that’s on her cheek and starts rubbing circles over your fingers with her thumb. “I get why you broke up with me, Jules. I’m so fucking sorry for putting pressure on you.”

You nod and lick your lips. “I know, Rue. Lexi’s told me how hard you’ve been working.”

“I’m seeing a shrink now,” Rue half smiles, and it’s the cutest fucking thing you’ve ever seen in your life. “It’s not so bad. She says it’s important to want to get better for me.”

“That’s great Rue,” you whisper into her hair as you pull her in for a hug. She smells like summer after it’s rained, your favourite. “I’m really happy for you.”

“I want to be a version of myself that deserves to be with you,” Rue nearly stutters, pulling out of the embrace but not letting go. Her hands rest on your shoulders, then move to around your neck and you can’t help but crash your lips into hers.

It feels so fucking  _ good _ to be able to kiss the girl you love with your entire heart and be able to feel in every part of your body how much she loves you too. You feel a dampness on your cheek and you’re unsure if it’s you who’s crying or her, but you can’t bring yourself to care. 

You pull apart when all of the air has been sucked out of you lungs, but you don’t want to let go just yet. You press your forehead into hers when you tell her, “I love you, Rue.”

You hear her breath hitch, and it almost makes you cry harder than you already are.

“I love you too. So much,” she tells you, wiping each of your tears with her pointer finger. “I just want to be your friend again.”

“I want that too.”

“Do you think we’ll ever stop being so fucked up?” You laugh at her question. It brings a teary smile across her face too.

“I hope so.” She grins back, interlacing her fingers with yours. 

After standing like that for a while, Rue says, “I should get inside.”

“Yeah, it’s late. Can I meet you in our spot before first period tomorrow?”

“I’d like that.”


End file.
